Playing Doctor

Home

Staring out of the window of the Air New Zealand A320 on what seemed at that point a laughably short flight back to Dunedin from Sydney I saw the West Coast of the South Island. The sight of beach, rainforest, and mountains suddenly had me choking down the tears. The concept of home had been on my mind but I hadn't expected this sort of reaction at all.

This time back at my parents' house with my parents and brother there it really did feel like home. Not just familiar but something more than that. I guess it sounds trite, but there is some truth in cliché. Maybe it could be described as a feeling of absolute belonging. It is not just a familiarity with people or a place, but knowing that you are irrevocably part of that place and part of their lives. Perhaps it was intensified by knowing that my extended family was also in town for Christmas. In many ways things were just like in my childhood. My brother is still much better than me at backyard cricket.

I had missed out on Christmas with the family last year while writing my thesis up in Canberra. My parents celebrated the day with my brother and his wife in Nice so having missed a year made it bit more special this year. Also, it was the first time in a long time that the whole extended family with roots in Dunedin was around for Xmas. It was really great to see everyone and catch up.

Furthermore, on the morning of my departure I found myself sitting on the deck looking at the backyard while one of the cats assaulted some apparently offensive feature of the lawn. I felt the tears welling up again. I would like to think that I wasn't as sad to leave as happy that I really did know where home was.

Almost Home

I am two thirds through this trip with two weeks, two hemispheres, and two countries more or less done. Now I am nearly set to arrive in a third, my home country: New Zealand. It is going to be good catching up with friends and family (many of both also traveling back from overseas) over Christmas. This is a trend that looks set to continue if I persist with an academic career, moving countries to get to the next lab every two to three years. A transient, shifting, rootless existence?

This provoked me into thinking what home is. It isn't necessarily where you originated. During previous jaunts back to New Zealand it hasn't elicited those feelings of returning home. My parents' house doesn't feel like my home either. I could say that about the flats I have inhabited in NZ, Canberra, and the US as well. I'm not sure I can really say there is no where that feels like home though.

What does home feel like anyway? Some feeling of familiarity and comfort, an environment in which you can completely relax and be yourself. You can be unguarded and not wear a mask. Perhaps if it is about ones feelings and actions it shouldn't be surprising that this feeling of home does not necessarily require a specific location. Perhaps it is just the people that are present. Canberra has certainly felt that way this time, and having discounted location alone the only remaining cause can be my friends here.

My old flat has completely disintegrated. All my housemates have moved out and even the property managers have changed. I could not return to that familiar location. Perhaps the lab was the only place that was tied to one particular spot, and that did feel a bit like home, but it is also full of familiar faces. Training at Yu Shih Tao felt like home. If home can feel like burning muscles and gasping for air through nausea. It was good to catch up with those guys.

A feeling of home can also be elicited by chatting with friends via the internets, making almost anywhere home if only for the length of that chat. I'm wondering if my definition is too broad but I am nearly satisfied that moving countries every so often does not have to be such a bleak prospect.

Autumn

I have experienced two rather enjoyable summers back to back, courtesy of a hemisphere transplant at the end of last August. Unfortunately my jet setting ways are at an end for the moment, and the implications of Earth's tilt are catching up to me. I'm worried that the autumn and winter that are closing in will be doubly depressing, having had twice the dose of summer. It certainly goes without saying that this will be the coldest change of seasons that I will have ever experienced.

I can already smell the dank odour of the black dog's rain soaked hair.

Theraputic

There is something very soothing about watching the Helsinki Complaints Choir. Take one before bed.

Things could be better

  I wish I was something else 
  Originally uploaded by phdstudent.

There is a bit of a cold snap in Canberra currently, nothing over 20 ºC. Along with the chill some feelings of winter and times past have arrived. They are not entirely welcome. It's nice to wear winter clothing but that feeling of time moving on and autumn slipping in the back door has me worried.

I suspect it might be coupled to daylight savings, a lack of sleep. Work has been frustrating. I've not been making much progress experimentally or with writing. Sometimes it is just a complete lack of motivation. I tell myself I am being lazy. It doesn't make me happy.

I need to make some progress in one of the projects I'm looking after right now to feel in control again. To feel successful again. To feel relevant.

What use a scientist who won't produce knowledge?

A Dilemma

Writing is so great but unfortunately is it completely impossible. I have to write a thesis, which would be cool but I feel too overwhelmed to start. I need to write a paper to submit sometime in August but I feel like I can never make the required standard. I have a weblog to write but tides of apathy always strike at the most (in?)opportune moments. I also have this brand new moleskine japanese album notebook that is really cool and awaits my pen and collage art skills with mutilated newspaper. It's so clean and new though. I can't bring myself to soil it. This dichotomy is killing me.

Good morning

Feeling a little nervous right now. I have my mid term review in half an hour. I'm fairly well prepared for it, but it is a form of assessment. I'm still working out the intro three sentences though. I think having a lot of coffee at about 7am didn't help either. At least I was up early, thanks to a phone call from a special someone.

On the way to work I must have been pretty distracted by this whole thing because I managed to fall over the front handle bars of my bike and chew a bit of pavement. It was non-serious, but a little bit of a shock. I must have accidentally breaked too much at the front. Now I have a minor abrasion on my chin, at least I still have all my teeth.

Better fix this mid term up before it is too late.

Singapore flashbacks

Moving into the new place has been pretty good. Things are clean and fairly new. Admittedly laundry without a real clothes line and a big backlog of washing is a bit of a pain. Our washing machine is huge though so the only problem is drying (with a smallish dryer and a small clothes horse).

Perhaps that is what sparked a series of fairly intense flashbacks to Singapore. Several times in the last week, for a few seconds at a time, I've felt almost like I was actually in Singapore. Once straight after I woke up I had the distinct feeling that I was waking up in Tampines. Things have been warm and humid of late here too which must have helping things along. Later, when commuting on my bike with rush hour traffic the same feeling of being surrounded by urban bustle returned. Another time  leaving for work and noticing the similarities between my current dwelling and HDB blocks I experienced a similar feeling.

It seems to have stopped now but I have to admit that it wasn't exactly a bad feeling at all.

Avalanche saftey

After dealing with all the house stuff earlier this week it was really difficult to come back to work with a stack of things to do. I felt totally crushed by the avalanche of work, and it seemed totally insurmoutable.

Now that it is Sunday I feel little bit more in control. I've still got a lot to do but there is a bit of perspective. The worst thing is still trying to be the sales manager for my YAA business. I'm essentially cold calling biotech supply companies here to ask if they want to advertise in a calendar. It is really stressful for some reason. I've just got to get over it.

The other things pressing are a talk that I still have to write for the ABS conference coming up, but there has to be a talk ready for tomorrow that is still mostly skeleton to present to my supervisors before the whole lab sees it on Thursday.

There is the flagging experimental side of things and a whole heap of writing waiting there too.

I'm trying not to see it as one giant wall of work but a series of individual tasks that can be handled easily. Just. Don't. Freak. Out.

Work/Pleasure

Saw my girlfriend off at the airport this morning. It wasn't easy. I hung around after she went through emmigration to take some snaps of her plane taking off. I was a little emotional about it which was nice, but she insisted that I hold myself together and get on with what needs to be done here. I'm keeping in mind that I will be seeing her again in August if everything goes according to plan.

I'm headed back to the CBR on a 1pm bus. That is going to be three hours and 15 minutes of reading papers that I printed out. It won't be that easy. The train up to Sydney last night cost more than a bus and look an hour longer but it was way comfortable. I read a recent review paper covering all of photosynthesis on that trip easily.

I really miss my girlfriend.